October 2008
AYAHUASCA- Unification of Love
My mom and dad created a space for me to learn about earth. Hamilton and Don Alberto created a space for me to EXPERIENCE the Love that I am... and come from.
I am beyond words in thanking all of them for influencing my state of Wholeness as a spirit on my earthling trip.
After YEARS, if not all of my life, of hearing guides - it is a curious thing to experience their truth in unification.
I can't even say I knew what "unification" meant experientially until this recent trip to Peru to do ayahuasca.
Imagine FOR YEARS being told about a land, say called "Love", and all of it's universal laws, and all of the ways that creation and connection work and yet didn't experience yourself living there as your human self (meaning I travel there astrally but disconnected from identity as human self). In fact imagine, you had always been told YOU were love, but didn't get to wallow in its depths.
Until, until, until...after many many years you got to just go saturate your HUMAN being in it as "i".
And with that, all of the confusion and untruths you thought it was, also just fell off the waste side.
In every way I have been educated about Love, and yet in many ways live without KNOWINGNESS in the fiber of my Being. All knowledge with minimal application.
I found ayahuasca when was I was taking a holotropic breath workshop using breath to induce altered states. I could feel this wall that I knew I couldn't get past through my own focus. It was too loaded for my mind to allow me entry and I told the instructor who then told me about ayahuasca. Within a month I was in Peru and terrified out of my mind.
I have only smoked pot once and stopped drinking alcohol at 15 so drugs have not been a reality I trusted. ALSO even scarier was that because at 15 when I began seeing energy everywhere, I found it too intense to be around others; I feared ayahuasca would open up that level of visioning again in my daily life and be incapable of making a living to take care of myself. So I do not mean I was casually scared, I mean quivering in survival terror scared.
BUT I wanted free of what darkness lived inside of me MORE THAN I wanted to give into these terrors.
Very fortunately, synchronicity brought me to this amazing article:
www.NationalGeographic.com/adventure/0603/features/peru.html
I found the story so inspiring that I decided to go to Blue Morpho Tours, as well. In fact, I read the article every single day before going, to give me hope of what my courage might free inside of me.
It was divine intervention by EVERY measure that I did, because I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else BUT these two amazing shamans: Hamilton Souther and Don Alberto Torres Davilla.
I began learning about how energy creates in my teens from guides and as I got older began reading about quantum physics - which is as close to the truth about it as we humans presently have articulated. It really is a rare human who understands analytically not only the scientific explanation but ALSO understands it in their beingess, which always reveals itself as JOY/Bliss. It breaks my heart when I hear stoic explanations of how energy/quantum physics work because when you Get It, I mean REALLY GET IT...you are in a state of awe and almost hyper-kinetic bliss and laughter about the truth, yourself, and The All. Before meeting Hamilton and Don Alberto, I would say that I had only seen two men on video who expressed that - Fred Alan Wolf and Amit Goswami, both physicists.
In fact, and I will get into this more deeply another time; but people who are in manic states are actually in an energetic connection of clarity about divinity and THAT is how it can express in human form if it is not integrated. Highs and fast paced flow is how The All/LOVE moves through a human energy form BECAUSE Love is an energy field that is much faster and the clarity resolves fear, apathy, and suppression of where human fear beliefs lock up the energy in contradictory structures that interrupt the flow. Children's almost infinite energy is a perfect example of how we started with free flow to/fro with the universe, because our energy was not locked up in fear programmed encodes.
WHY Hamilton and Don Alberto are the absolute necessity to doing ayahuasca for me - is the depth to which they "get it" is also the depth to the INTENTION they hold in the room. So while you are doing ayahuasca and holding your own intention, is key. The ABILITY to have a healer hold an even deeper/higher/clearer clarity is where you are able to dial into the icaros (songs) that they sing, is why they are ABLE to take you into a place within the LOVE/god/healing fear state and offer you an energy field to hold onto when you can't remember Love. It is about having a lifeline of LOVE to embrace you while fears are surfacing for release. In the face of fear if you can't remember Love (which if you are Human, you often can NOT) then you RIDE their wave length of LOVE by latching onto the icaros with your mind which then resonates love in your being and supports you riding fear through to it's dis-solving. AMAZING, Really!
When I first drink the ayahuasca, the icaros sound pretty irrelevant and benign. BUT when I got into altered states I quickly realized music has NOTHING to do with sound but has to do with energetic waves that saturate all other energy, including the encodes in our human cells - is when you realize that when you get scared and yell out for help and are told to "follow the icaros" it is because it is what no human can give you. It is an entry point into Love or the energetic connection to The All.
And this is possible because that is where they are holding THEIR focus. If they came over to give you HUMAN connection, like a hand to hold, it would come with all of their human limits and their human encodings because a mind's focus can hold a state clearer than we are able to as a human because our human encodings come with limitations because of our physicality and it's frequency can't flow the energetic fields of Love in it's purer form. So connecting to the shaman's mind state that is being held in a state of LOVE/connection to THE ALL gives you access to ride it through the icaros to your own divinity within your self. THAT is why their presence and mind focus is ESSENTIAL versus just sitting in a closet at home doing it or with someone who has not had deep intense training in what PURE mind focus with Love/god is.
Many people approach meditations from purity and righteousness, but the beauty of deeply understanding connection with The All is to be ABLE to LOVE the darkness (anger, vengeance, destruction, etc) as much as you LOVE the light of joy, freedom, passion, etc. It is this ability to see it ALL as a reflection of the god/love/all within us and the choice we have in every moment to dance in any of the states, rather than just a few "good" ones. So using another to hold focus who can LOVE ALL OF IT, truly determines your own ability to RIDE THEIR ABILITIES to get to your own power to do so, FOR YOURSELF!
My first trip to Blue Morpho truly addressed my ability to be Bigger than fear. Simply by showing up and drinking the ayahuasca and adjusting to the strange unfamiliar feelings of surrendering to a different mind state - had me return home to my life and act far more fearless in the face of owning my own spiritual self. To be honest, it was effortless and just happened. There wasn't any trying or pushing or forcing - it just Was and I was just Able.
After signing up for my first tour I emailed my brother to ask him him if he knew anything about aya given his many experiences with acid and this is his response:
One of the most powerful and important books I've read in over a decade has ayahuasca as an essential component; "The Cosmic Serpent" by Jeremy Narby.
I ranted about it for six months after reading it. Basically the author formulated this "theory" that what the shamans call communicating with the spirits is, essentially, identical to going into psychedelic trance and communicating directly with the DNA to find the source of physical or spiritual disturbance. It's a phenomenal book that to me seems to "validate" psychedelics in such a powerful way because it shows how with shamanic training, there is the potential to use this "technology" to see into the health of the patient. And it did so in a way that didn't insult the wisdom of either the shamanic or the scientific paradigms. If anything, it demonstrated clearly how far behind the scientific paradigm is and how much needs to be learned from listening rather than always talking or presuming that shamanic cultures are ignorant and backward.
Recently I went back because I felt this total disinterest in life and living. I quickly realized it is a feeling I have carried for as long as I can remember, but I have distracted myself with enough noise and movement to not notice it, while running from it constantly. It was not the desire to kill myself, it was the desire to return Home. Many people who have had "near death experiences" face this desire to not be on earth because they know what the other side IS - Love. And the truth is the depth of my knowingness about the other side is, I have NEVER ONCE felt that when a loved one died that I would not see them when I got there permanently. In fact, find it unimaginable what it must be like to NOT KNOW YOU WILL. So my frequent trips to the other side in this life, have cost me my interest in being on earth. I have gotten to a place where I deeply want TO WANT to be here while I am here. So while I am down here, that my curiosities involve earth and earthlings instead of all things beyond.
In almost any scary situation in my daily life, I pop out of my body and just go hang over there. It happens all day long and it was undoubtedly something I learned early on and at this point have almost no way to determine it happening or not. Getting grounded is my big challenge and so this last trip on ayahuasca took me on an amazing trip to LOVE and then As Love brought me back to witness what being a human is. A friend actually videotaped my sharing about my experience the morning after, which explains it better than I could ever try:
Lastly I want to say one thing that is crucial. A LOT of people understand quantum physics in their mind, but if with their comprehension they do not have the wisdom of it in their HEART, then their influence has definitive limitations. It means that if they are who works on you energetically or who you engage with, that you will get education in your mind and even possible shifting within your cells but you will NOT get knowingness and unification in your Being.
Understanding unification is actually simple. It is when you own/experience something "is" because all of your being (mind, heart, soul) are in a state of oneness during the experience and so doubt has NO entry. It is then a place untouchable by fear's influence of beliefs/encodes about disconnection as a truth. This may sound "all wordy" but in experience it is a place of PURE PEACE and CLARITY. It is in fact, the place every last human is continually hungering For.
So when you are seeking out a healer and are in admiration of other's knowledge, you must also gage their heart in being able to HOLD that truth within. As it is what determines if it lives as an idea/theory or BEINGNESS because it will determine what depth they can offer you.
December 2008
KNOCK KNOCK GOD - I AM BAAAAAAAAACK!
You didn't think you would never hear from me again, after giving me a tour of the Landscape of LOVE - did ya? Ahh dude, NOT A CHANCE!
Pour me a cup of that nasty brown stuff and we'll commence right where you left off...
June 2009
BEST TRIP EVEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!
It surprises even me, that after experiencing an amazing connection with god and truly experiencing self love that connections are able to grow deeper in their expanse. Limitless, doesn't even begin to describe.
I knew before I went on this trip that it Was Time to move into the next phase of my life. I found a way to do aya locally and wanted to use my time and money to see other places in the world.
In short, it was time for me to MAN UP and own my focus powers by letting go of my training wheels. The power that has me expanding where I am putting my focus, and take on the unconscious sleepy lazy mind, that wants to just close my eyes and pretend the world is put upon me, like a paralyzed victim.
I told Hamilton before the first ceremony that I don't plan on returning and with the kind of unconditional love you could only dream of getting from anyone, he wished me well and said that if I ever was facing something I needed his support in tackling, that I was always welcome back.
We then went on to have 5 of the most hilarious rip-roaring ceremonies of my life! During my first tour in 2008, I became very close with Alison, who became my favorite person to call after each tour and report on all events. She was on this trip and as we sat front and center, we laughed ourselves crazy with joy about how far we had come and how fantabulously kooky the ceremonies had become in Hamilton's own unfolding of allowing himself to truly be An Unleashed Free Spirit.
If words could share what level of hilarity I felt in there, I would attempt it. But they can't. I can tell you that in all of my years on earth that I have NEVER remotely laughed as deep as I did in every one of those ceremonies. I was in agony and ecstasy simultaneously. I was crushed and rebuilt by every truth no matter how profound or ridiculous. I had so much love in my heart in a community of hearts and souls so deeply connected, that the only integration I have had to do in coming home, is not getting lost in how much less love I experience in my daily reality. A luxury issue, if ever there was one!
I do not know what my life holds for me, but I know that I have tasted joy and love from a place that I DEMAND to find in "normal reality" by being Present. It is a Truth that I KNOW exists and I am overwhelmingly excited to see how it surfaces in my journey. Peace Out. Love In. Breathe Bitch Breathe.
Side Note: On my February 2009 tour, which I didn't previously post about- I did the dieta. It is drinking the tea of the trees and eating a flavorless diet so as to more deeply bring the tree spirits within you.
Here is my take on it: Any spirit that you want IN you, can be brought into you by simply Asking. The action of drinking and dieting tree spirits is helpful if you want to more deeply EXPERIENCE those spirits or want to have more of a relationship with those spirits. My point being, you can call many spirits into you and they will be IN you. But if it is important for you to have a Knowingness you have to raise your relationship out of the unconscious and into the Action, so as to have something to engage/relate with. By deepening your relationship out of your mind focus and into the physical/dimensional you are able to interact with them in a more "real" way than if they are just "fairies" in your mind that you do not connect to.
I did it because I felt that it was necessary to see what it was about. After wards I decided that I was happy I tried it, but wouldn't do it again. Namely because, first off I so deeply enjoy all of the activities at Blue Morpho (that you aren't allowed to do on the dieta) and the hugs amongst friends, and of course the pleasure of eating great food while tackling such deep rooted fears within – that it was too much cost for too little pay off. I say "too little pay off" because I have guides talking to me from sun up until sun down, as it is. I do not feel a Longing to deepen my relationship with plants. That is the truth. If on the other hand, YOU DO, then I DEFINITELY suggest you do the dieta. I did not find it changed my aya experiences or my feeling that I was getting a deeper support from them during aya because I see aya as soul god and love. So yes, always grateful for the plants Giving Me this from their ability of being powerful teacher plants, but more deeply connected to soul love.
I hope this helps anyone who is trying to figure out if they should do the dieta.
LOVE IS ALL !!!
**If ever interested in trying ayahuasca, I can't tell you enough about how gifted the shamans are and what a special, sacred, safe, and joyful space they offer at www.BlueMorphoTours.com
September 2009
60 Ceremonies and counting
When I first started drinking aya 20 months ago, it was like getting bombarded in a land of such emotional and spiritual familiarity while being absolute overload in terms of sensory processing. It was like a ride in a washing machine on steroids, where the amplification of everything was beyond comprehension.
Somehow about twenty ceremonies in, I began to get in my body. It was intentional. I would be flying and make myself physically go stand against a wall just to bring the love frequency into my body and let what ever was not in harmony with feeling love DEAL WITH IT.
Never could I have guessed how seriously uncomfortable with pure bold LOVE ENERGY, I could feel!!!
I guess I should back up to say that I realized I could access the LOVE STATE and all of its ecstatic-ness, so learning how to translate that down to this person who hobbles down the street each day was my goal.
The MORE I was in my body during ceremonies the more everything changed. It went from being far less about ethereal concepts to the exact fear structures that I would see in their physical model in vision, and how I would then live out that exact structure in my life. It is like those drawings of atoms linking and I would see that glue of beliefs/attitudes that was inside of me, and then how that structure expressed through me as a human impulse/personality/spirit/attitude.
Note: I define "fear" as any belief that is not based in the truth that I am connected to The All of soul love.
I met the me that lives in a parallel universe to the life I have been living. She was not a fantasy me, or a perfect me. She was the me I know when I am not scared. She is the NATURE of me when I am at peace on a breezy beautiful day. She has emotions and everything else, but she navigates it instead of reacts/attacks and suppresses.
After that, I KNEW I had to release enough of what was holding me in "this reality" to be able to shift into that. It is not a foreign thing, as much as it is the shift from being a dependent child to someone who moves into their first apartment and their own Able-Ness.
From that point, it became about very influential structures that were created by me when I was young and how I built up my survival skills of mimicking what was going to get me other's energy/love. You can say a LOT of barfing was involved in this, as was just feeling tremendous energy swirling out of the top of my head while my mind and feelings were literally separate from me and I just held focus. I was giving up the system of THE SELF that I had created for survival.
The days in between these ceremonies were often beautiful or brutal. I was either in this place of really deep communing knowingness or absolutely off my head. I had not found the ability TO HOLD knowingness and I was off the edge of what I had always maintained as familiar.
I want to say something; I read how people always speak of what AYA has done or Is. And YES what I am about to say is my truth, but I think it gives a lot less mysticism and a lot more base to root yourself in, if you want to really understand your own connection to The All and to the gift of aya.
Ayahuasca is a plant medicine and people also really get hooked in the word "the medicine" but if you want to get to the really deep roots of it, you would call it Conscious Love in LIQUID FORM. It will always expand you to know love more deeply in yourself. BUT if you become numb to it, you can become as blocked to it, as you are to your intuitions constant suggestions or to the love and kindness of those around you.
I personally know people who have drank aya hundreds of times and their lives are unbelievably stuck with walls galore. I know people who have drank 5 times and have gotten their soul's life from it. The difference is two fold. One is, at first when you do not know how to "drive" the aya...you also do not know how to BLOCK IT. So you are just on the ride without any hands on the wheel. But like any "invasion into your world" you can unconsciously learn how to block things out that are unsettling and I have found that people who drink aya a lot for years, can (note: not all) become very blocked by the "assault" of such total consciousness unless they really ARE DETERMINED to remain open.
Secondly, when you first start out, it takes so much courage to take that first drink, which serves as the same INTENTION of choosing consciousness that makes it so influential. When it becomes something you are doing based on rote, you can lose that intention and therefore the desire to release what is blocking you from experiencing more love in your daily reality.
AYA will never take from you what you are not willing to release. Never never never. It will only heal you of that which you are willing/able to let go of. Which is to say, if you aren't willing...nothing is going to move.
Which is WHY I think it is crucial to remember that "The Medicine" and "The Tree Spirits" are just one more modality on this earth to supply us with an experience of LOVE. Whether any of us chooses to use it, to expand our capacity to be more loving IS up to us. And defining that, is important. Because increasing your focus as a god creator, places the responsibility back in your lap instead of the mystic world where you are merely a passenger/witness of it all.
I often see art as an expression of what is going on within the artist. A physical structure to recreate a perception. I repeatedly see aya as a way of setting up A Structure in physical form to release an "ethereal" fear encode/belief/attitude. In other words, fears are like ghosts. They aren't tangible except in our feeling them. But dismantling them is like swatting at ghosts. So using aya to set up a structure in which you can give Solid Intention through the ACTION of drinking the aya, sets up a way of creating a direct intention to dissolve the fear. I think that is a huge part of why aya is so effective in totally releasing it's unconscious influence. It is both a clear intention and a surrender to the power of love to override what limits you would have tried to reduce fear with.
I would not be THIS ME today, without aya. So far, I do not know of a way to access the amplified love states than with it. I also firmly believe that my ability to access this state without aya is definitely getting stronger, so I do believe that within a couple years I will not need aya at all.
Some will call it the ability to hold LOVE...others will call it a woman who is in constant flash backs. ahahaaaaaaaaaa
December 2009
a century to Now
I am inundated with perspectives on exactly what and how to share about having experienced 100 ceremonies. It has been the most beautiful hellacious trip.
I guess I will just have to say what my point of view is today, knowing entirely that the yesterdays involved some of the most intensely dark and glorious moments. Please keep in mind, I am referring to the processing of the ceremonies in my day to day life; the actual ceremonies have been BEYOND beautiful.
If I was to just cut through all of the drama of it and get down to telling you what I would have seen had I been 100 miles out side of it all looking down on me, I would tell you this:
I have been a person who is confronted with the Unfamiliarity of LOVE and who is releasing what is the familiar hell of beliefs while seeing the world through the eyes from an "i view" has processed it by surrendering into Love and then racing back to my familiar hell to feel "safe" as defined by fear (read: confusion and addiction) before rising back up and leaping deeper into the unfamiliar Love before jumping back into familiar darkness. lather. rinse. repeat.
It has been like gum on a shoe sole, the sticky pull of trying to hold onto what I have believed, while needing to let go of it because with it, I could never conceive of what is true.
Today I have to say that I am not only BEYOND HUMBLE, I am awe struck. I can't even BELIEVE that I get to be Me.
That I get to talk to all of these spirits and that I can get answers to not only my questions but others, from dimensions that see and comprehend WAAAAAY MORE than I could ever conceive of is literally knee buckling to me, it is so beautiful. And yes, I have been doing this for years, but I had not previously owned it from belief /feelings of being unworthy of such a gift.
In my past, I have defined myself as many things on earth, and the process of letting go of those familiar adjectives for ones that incorporate my soul's purpose of SHINING A LIGHT OF GOD LOVE through effortless impulses of writing, singing, and often just one on one chats with people is the most VALIDATING and REWARDING gift I have ever been given.
So yes, I can tell you that letting go of the "old fear" view of my self for this one felt like I was dying and lost. I hadn't "arrived" at seeing myself as Worthy or Safe enough, to be able to allow myself this ownership and appreciation. Plus, the experience of seeing the world through god's eyes without the wisdom of owning where you are perceiving from, created a sense of not existing as a human. From the view of seeing the world through god's eyes, I actually FELT like I was dead as a human because I didn't have the same reality I associate with my human experience or self definition. Sure it sounds confusing, but believe it or not, our denial of our god self creates beliefs we do not exist which actually explains a lot of our strange behavior to TRY to experience a felt existence.
AND THAT is the story of this ayahuasca journey. The terror wasn't ghosts, it was letting go of a story about me that could NEVER have allowed me to own I have a soul and I can live a life that feeds it.
The other part that has to be acknowledged is that, letting go of the societal fear beliefs we have all been inundated with, for ones that feel so beautifully true actually felt like death at times. I felt like I was losing a Certain connection with humans by letting go of buying into the shared collective of fear beliefs. Now I feel like I have a connection with all of us which is far deeper. But the chatty street level talk that we all do so casually, released to a deep degree. This process felt isolating, sad, and sometimes frightening.
Would I do it again? Absolutely. But I can also say that not knowing at the time WHAT EXACTLY I WOULD GO THROUGH in doing it, that I am happy I didn't know how much it would require of me. But, how different is that from how I feel about my entire life? Could any of us do this life KNOWING what it entails?
Honestly, I say with utter affection and an appreciation that is crushing:
I would not want to be anyone on this earth BUT ME. I do not have a clue how other humans survive this place without knowing how to use their direct access to the spirits that see clearly and can help. I truly do not.
And I know without any hesitation that my life, my hunger, my purpose is to shine as much of that on my fellow peoples until the day I return Home.
So yes, thank you aya for making my ability to integrate the release of so much confusion and self loathing for something far more clear and fulfilling, ALL POSSIBLE. My life and soul could not have been mine, without this journey.
Ultimately LIFE, is ALL between our human defined selves and our god selves. Every single moment of it.
And a chat with god always redefines who you think you are, especially as you see more deeply that god is inside every single one of us. It requires you to LET GO of a lot of beliefs, and that defines what this part of my journey has been about SO FAR.
yes, who I am today is more aware of the god in me. And THANK GOD for That!